Thinking out loud

Where is the line between loving someone… and hurting someone?

And what happens when you love someone so much that, somehow, you end up hurting them anyway?

Not because you wanted to.

Not because you meant to.

Not because there was anything cruel hiding behind your actions.

But because sometimes… love is complicated.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

About how easily love can become misunderstood. How something that comes from the deepest and most genuine place in your heart can still create confusion, hurt, or chaos... 

And maybe that's one of the hardest things to accept.

Because when I care about someone, I care deeply.

When I love, I don't really know how to do it halfway.

I give. I think. I worry. I show up. I try to make people feel seen, appreciated, supported and loved.

And yet sometimes I end up wondering if I've done too much.

Other times, I wonder if I've done nowhere near enough.

And somehow, I always seem to end up in the same place... 

Feeling like I failed.

Like I am too much.

Too emotional.

Too intense.

Too chaotic.

Or maybe not enough.

Not enough when someone needed me.

Not enough when I should have said something.

Not enough when I should have stayed quiet.

It's exhausting trying to constantly figure out where that invisible line is.

Because the truth is, I don't always know.

I don't always know when caring becomes overcaring.

When giving becomes too much.

When trying to help becomes interfering.

When being there becomes overwhelming.

And sometimes I don't even realize I've crossed a line until afterwards, when I am left sitting with the consequences and wondering... 

“How did something I did out of love end up hurting someone?”

Maybe that's the part people don't talk about enough.

Good intentions don't make us incapable of causing pain.

We can love someone and still misunderstand them.

We can care about someone and still make mistakes.

We can try our absolute best and still get something wrong.

And that doesn't necessarily mean our love was fake.

It means we're human.

Maybe loving someone isn't about never hurting them.

Maybe it's about being willing to listen when you've hurt them.

To take responsibility without destroying yourself in the process.

To learn where their boundaries are.

To understand that loving someone doesn't mean we get to decide what they need.

And maybe, most importantly, to understand that someone being hurt by something we did doesn't automatically mean we are a horrible person.

Sometimes two people can genuinely care about each other and still hurt each other.

Sometimes love exists alongside misunderstandings.

Sometimes two hearts can mean well and still collide.

And I think I need to learn that my heart doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

I don't have to punish myself every time I get something wrong.

I don't have to turn every mistake into proof that I am a failure.

Because I know where my actions come from.

I know that when I love, I love with my whole heart.

Maybe sometimes that heart is messy.

Maybe sometimes it's too loud.

Maybe sometimes it gives too much.

Maybe sometimes it doesn't know when to stop.

But it is still a heart that wants to love.

And perhaps the goal isn't to become someone who never makes mistakes.

Perhaps the goal is to become someone who learns from them without losing the softness that made them care in the first place.

Because I don't want to become less loving just because love has hurt before.

I just want to learn how to love better.

With more understanding.

With more boundaries.

With more listening.

And maybe… with a little more forgiveness for myself.

Because I'm still learning.

And maybe I'm not a failure.

Maybe I'm not chaos.

Maybe I'm simply someone with a very big heart, still trying to figure out how to carry it without accidentally hurting the people I love.

And perhaps that's not something to be ashamed of.

Perhaps that's simply being human.

- Merry -