Am I Allowed to Be Proud?

Today I found myself looking through old pictures and videos.

Honestly, I don't even remember why I started. Maybe I was searching for something specific. Maybe I was just taking a little trip down memory lane. Either way, I suddenly came across that picture.

The picture from August 2025. The day I met someone at a concert.

And I just stopped.

Because for the first time, I actually saw it.

I saw the change.

Not just in numbers. Not just something I know in my head because the scale tells me so. I actually looked at those pictures and looked at a picture of me today, and my jaw literally dropped.

From August 2025

Is that really me?

And for a moment, I felt something beautiful.

I felt happy.

Proud.

Joyful.

I wanted to jump up and down and scream, LOOK AT ME! LOOK HOW FAR I HAVE COME!

Well... jumping is currently a no go because of my knee, so maybe we won't get too carried away 😂😂

But then... almost as quickly as the joy arrived, something else came creeping in.

The doubt.

Am I allowed to celebrate this?

Am I allowed to be proud?

Isn't that bragging?

Won't people think I'm putting myself on a high horse?

Which, by the way... I have ridden a high horse before 😂 But this isn't that.

This isn't me thinking I'm better than anyone else.

I have never looked at someone else and thought I was above them because of something I've achieved. Or ever at all. 

So why does celebrating myself feel so dangerous sometimes? All I wanted was to scream it out loud and post it, share my victory with everyone I care about that I call my friends... But I felt I just couldn't... I felt I had nowhere to celebrate this, other than here... Cause people are probably tired of hearing about it. 

And then I heard that little voice inside me.

The one that is starting to recognize old programming when it shows up.

Don't take up too much space.

Don't fill the room.

Don't be too loud.

Don't be too proud.

Don't make people look at you.

And suddenly I realized...

Maybe this isn't about being cocky at all.

Maybe I've just spent so much of my life feeling like I had to make myself smaller that even standing up and saying, "Hey, I'm proud of myself," feels uncomfortable.

But why should it?

Why shouldn't I celebrate the small victories?

Why shouldn't I celebrate the big ones too?

Why shouldn't I be allowed to look at a picture from a year ago, compare it to today, and feel pure joy over the fact that I can finally see the difference myself?

Because that's the thing.

I've been on this journey for a while. I've kept going, even when it was hard. Even when progress felt slow. Even when I couldn't see it myself.

And today...

For the first time, I really saw it.

Not because someone else told me.

Not because a number changed.

I saw it. Me. With my own eyes.

Took a picture today in the stables, just to see. 

And damn it... maybe I am allowed to be proud of that.

Maybe celebrating myself doesn't mean I think I'm better than anyone else.

Maybe taking up space doesn't mean I'm taking space away from someone else.

Maybe being proud doesn't mean being arrogant.

Maybe it simply means acknowledging the work I've done.

The steps I've taken.

The battles I've fought.

The times I could have given up, but didn't.

So yes.

I think I am going to celebrate this.

Carefully, because apparently I still have some old programming to uninstall. 😂

But I'm going to celebrate.

Because this is my victory.

My journey.

My body.

My work.

And if I want to stand here in my little bubble, look at these pictures, smile like an idiot and scream internally, "HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THE CHANGE!"

Then I bloody well can.

And maybe... just maybe...

I'm finally learning that I'm allowed to be proud of myself.

- Merry -