Shopping...

Today I went shopping.

And I had actually made a decision before I even left home. 

No matter what, today I am going shopping for myself. And I am not coming home until I have bought myself at least a bra or a pair of jeans. Preferably both.

Because, quite frankly, I need both.

The thing is… every single time I go shopping for myself, I somehow end up buying something for everyone else instead.

The kids. Hubby. Someone else who needs something.

Anyone but me.

And whenever I see those high price tags, I do what I have become very good at doing.

I turn around.

I walk away.

Instead, I usually end up with some cozy home pants. The kind of pants you could probably walk through the grocery store in and immediately feel like you should apologize to everyone you pass.

But they are comfortable.

And they are cheaper.

They “only” cost around 300 kroner.

Only.

Funny how 300 kroner suddenly sounds reasonable when it's something for everyone else, but somehow feels like an enormous amount when it's for me.

Today, though, I wanted new bras.

The one I bought a few months ago turned out to be too big, so that obviously wasn't exactly helping.

And I have wanted a proper pair of jeans for a very long time.

Real jeans.

I haven't been able to wear jeans for years because, well… the last pair I owned apparently decided to spontaneously combust.

They magically exploded.

Somehow.

No idea why.

No idea how.

😂

But the bigger problem has been finding jeans that actually fit me.

I've never really found a store where I could walk in and think, Oh, they have jeans here that might actually work for my body.

So eventually, I stopped looking.

I stopped trying.

Because shopping for jeans had become something I associated with feeling awful about myself.

You walk into the changing room with a little bit of hope.

You try one pair.

Nope.

Another.

Nope.

Another.

Still nope.

And after a while, you stop looking at the clothes and start looking at yourself differently.

That's the part I hate.

Today was no different.

I tried on jeans.

So many jeans.

I tried pulling them up, only to discover that some of them weren't even remotely interested in cooperating.

And for a moment, I felt that familiar disappointment creeping in.

That feeling of being too big.

Of not fitting.

Of not looking the way you're apparently supposed to look if you're going to wear the clothes hanging in those stores.

Because that's the strange thing about shopping when you're not shaped like the mannequins.

Sometimes it feels like the clothes aren't made for you.

And after enough failed attempts, you start wondering if maybe you are the problem.

Most girls seem to love shopping.

I don't.

Not when shopping means constantly being reminded that your body doesn't fit the picture you've been presented with.

You don't fit the jeans.

You don't fit the sizes.

Sometimes you don't even feel like you fit into the idea of what a woman is “supposed” to look like.

And honestly?

It can be depressing.

But today, I didn't give up.

One of my tattoos says “Don't give up .”

And today, I proved it again.

Eventually, I found a pair of jeans I actually could maybe liked.

Did I suddenly look in the mirror and think, Wow, I look amazing?

No.

I still felt big.

I still noticed everything I usually notice.

But I also looked at myself and thought:

You know what? These are actually okay.

And that felt like a little victory.

And then came another little victory.

The bras.

I discovered that I could actually go down two sizes from the bra I had bought a few months ago.

Two sizes.

And I won't lie… that felt really good.

Not because a smaller number suddenly determines my worth.

It doesn't.

But because sometimes, after spending so long feeling like your body is the thing standing in your way, finding something that actually fits feels strangely empowering.

Today wasn't really about shopping.

Not completely.

It was about not walking away.

It was about choosing something for myself instead of automatically thinking about what someone else needs.

It was about allowing myself to want something.

To need something.

To spend money on something that makes me feel a little more like me.

And maybe that's something I need to practice more often.

Because I deserve the jeans.

I deserve the bra.

I deserve the clothes that make me feel good.

I deserve to take up space.

And perhaps the biggest thing I brought home today wasn't the shopping bags.

It was the reminder that I am allowed to choose myself, too.

And honestly?

That's worth much more than 300 kroner.

But... To be completely honest, the bras and the jeans cost A LOT more than 300 😂🙈

Yeah, yeah 🤣

Enough talking about shopping... Cause honestly... Not my fave thing to do 🤣

Till next time inspiration suddenly pops... 

- Merry -