Shit… Now It’s My Turn

So… today I woke up to find out that my doctor had called me... 

... Before the doctor's office had even opened.

And whenever a doctor calls me, my first instinct is rarely “Oh, this must be good news.” 😂

I read the message he had left for me, and there they were, glowing black on white:

“Your MRI shows a cruciate ligament injury, and I have referred you to an orthopedic surgeon…”

Well... 

Good morning to you too 🙈 🤣 

When I went for that MRI, a small part of me was still hoping they would tell me it was nothing.

That maybe it was just a twisted knee... 

Something that would hurt for a while, I would complain loudly about my life choices, be a little bit dramatic about it a while, and eventually it would go away on its own.

Because, let's be honest, that is probably how I usually deal with hurting myself.

It's fine.

It'll go away.

I'll walk it off.

I'll be okay.

And, strangely enough, there was another part of me that would almost have felt embarrassed if I had gone through the doctor's appointment, the MRI and all the fuss… only for them to tell me there was absolutely nothing wrong.

Because apparently my brain has decided that being injured is embarrassing unless there is photographic evidence 😂

I knew there was a possibility, though.

When I twisted my knee on that dance floor, there was always a chance that I had done something more than simply giving my leg a bad day.

My family had already told me that my symptoms sounded suspiciously like the stories they lived themselves about cruciate ligament or meniscus injuries.

Still…

Knowing something is possible and actually seeing the words written down are two completely different things.

And now I find myself taking a few extra deep breaths whenever my eyes land on that word:

Surgeon.

There it is.

One word.

Seven letters.

And somehow it manages to make my stomach do gymnastics.

I've always been afraid of hospitals, operations and everything connected to them.

When I was little, I remember hearing adults talk about meniscus injuries, ligaments and operations. Those sounded like things that happened to other people. Like... 

Things grown-ups dealt with... 

Things that belonged somewhere far away from me.

And today, a very strange thought wandered through my head:

“Shit… now it's my turn.”

Which, to be honest, does absolutely nothing for my feeling of youth whatsoever 😂

But here's the thing.

I don't actually know what happens next.

The MRI has shown an ACL injury, but apparently they still need to determine whether it is partial or complete. I've been referred to an orthopedic surgeon, and that's the status of where I am right now.

At the beginning of the next chapter... 

Not at the end.

And I have to remind myself of that.

I don't need to panic about surgery when nobody has told me I need surgery.

I don't need to imagine every possible scenario.

I don't need to mentally walk myself through hospital corridors that I haven't even entered.

I don't need to borrow fear from tomorrow.

Right now, I simply need to breathe.

Take one step.

Then another.

And let the doctors do what doctors are supposed to do.

Maybe this will mean surgery.

Maybe it won't.

Maybe rehabilitation will be enough.

Maybe there will be a whole lot of appointments, exercises, patience and me complaining dramatically about my knee. 😂

I don't know yet.

And perhaps that's the most important thing I can tell myself today:

I don't know yet.

And “I don't know yet” is not the same thing as “something terrible is going to happen.”

So today, I am going to take a deep breath.

And then another.

I'm going to let myself be a little scared without allowing fear to take over the entire story.

Because yes…

Apparently, this time my body decided to give me something that won't simply disappear because I ignored it long enough. 🙈

But whatever comes next, I'll deal with it when it arrives.

One appointment.

One answer.

One step at a time.

And hopefully, without too much panic along the way.

After all…

I can't panic until I know what I'm actually supposed to panic about 😂

- Merry -