Out in the open

Sometimes...

Sometimes you just feel.

Maybe something triggers it. Maybe something slips through the walls you've spent long time building. The walls that took so much effort to raise. And again, rebuild... The walls that were meant to keep you safe.

Sometimes you simply forget to be strong. Sometimes your own body let's you know you've been too strong for too long... 

And everything collapses.

What you've been holding back for far too long suddenly breaks free, spilling over the edges, flooding every corner you've tried so hard to keep dry.

And it leaves a mess behind.

Maybe something started it. Something small. Something you don't quite understand.

Why did that affect you so deeply?

Was it what you saw? Was it what you heard? Was it the strong love inside you finally speaking? Taking the wheel for a moment? Trying to tell you something you've refused to hear?

I don't know.

What I do know is that it felt like a door had opened. A door I had worked hard to keep shut. A door I had locked, bolted, and guarded for a very long time.

And I cried.

Then more tears came.

Great waterfalls of them.

And suddenly I felt everything.

Every emotion. Every memory. Every word.

Nothing was filtered. Nothing was hidden.

And it frightened me.

Because I like being careful. I like feeling protected. I like keeping the walls standing and the door locked.

I don't want to lose control. I don't want to fall apart.

But maybe that wasn't what was happening at all.

Maybe I had simply been strong for too long.

Maybe the walls were never meant to hold forever.

Maybe the flood wasn't weakness.

Maybe it was everything inside me finally asking to be felt...

Maybe the little things I witnessed ignited memories buried deep inside....

Memories I never knew... 

Or memories I used to know... 

Maybe it ignited a feeling... 

A longing... 

Or simply... Maybe I felt this way just because I felt moved.... And proud 🥹 

Millions of proud...

Maybe what I witnessed Was so achingly beautiful, that it did something to me...  

It opened a door. 

And it scared me...

Cause it is open... 

And vulnerable... 

Well... That's that... 

Just some thoughts... Again out in the open... 

Michael Jackson - The verdict

I watched the new Michael Jackson documentary today, even though I swore to myself I wouldn't...

I became a fan of the King of Pop around maybe 93 or 94... Someone gave me a "Dangerous" cassette that I played on repeat... And all the music videos.... The music itself... The style... The dancing.... He was a legend. An icon... A king...

But I remember especially the first time I watched the music video of "Earth song" on TV.... The colors, the images that drew me in... The insanely beautiful song... Not to speak of one of my fave childhood movies, Free Willy 1 and 2, where Michael had music soundtrack on.

He have so much Great music, picking a favorite is impossible.

Being a fan, and being witness to these cases he had to be put in.... Child molestation.... I used to be very quiet about these.... Cause one will never really know the truth, will we?

I am one of these kids, being sexually abused by an older man.... So this documentary was hard for me to see. I don't know what to think... Don't know what to say...
I only know how it felt for my part, and how being abused changed me.

Of course.... As someone who loves the music of Michael Jackson, and everything he was and the good work he did.... I truly hope he was innocent.... Am I too naive to say so? Still, with some doubt in my stomach.... A feeling.... A fear?

Maybe it just awakened some of my own nightmares, watching this...
And maybe I need to just watch a comedy instead to get it out of my head...

Just thinking out loud... Again... 

- Merry - 

Thoughts about music

Let me drift away on the sound of music...

Let it fill every empty space within me, comfort me, and bring me peace. ❤️

Let it carry me somewhere gentler, somewhere brighter...
One note at a time.

Let it heal my soul,
soothe my wounds,
and hold me in a way I've never been held before.

Let it touch the deepest parts of me,
the places words could never reach.

Give me an escape, 
a world where I can simply be myself,
and be accepted exactly as I am.

Let me cry when I need to,
and then gently wipe away my tears.

Fill my heart with joy,
with happiness,
with strength,
with hope,
with motivation, 

With energy.

Make me feel safe.

Loved.

Cherished.

That is what music feels like to me, and what it does.. 

Just me and my music, 
and in those moments,
everything else fades away.

- Merry - 

The Shadow of Love

Is this what love becomes, 

a bargain struck in the dark?

A touch exchanged for a touch,

a body measured only by what it can still provide.

I stand here,

bones heavy with pain,

each step a quiet battle,

while your hunger speaks louder

than my suffering ever could.

I can barely walk.

Yet still you reach,

not for my hand,

not for my heart,

but for what remains of me

that can still be taken.

Do you know what loneliness is?

It is lying beside someone

and feeling abandoned.

It is speaking

and hearing only silence.

It is watching your tears

disappear into a room

that never answers back.

The shadow of loneliness

has become my closest companion.

It follows me through every doorway,

sleeps beside me every night,

whispers that this is what love is... 

a cold place,

a dark hole I stumbled into by accident,

falling deeper with every passing year.

And still I find them, 

the hidden closets,

the buried dust,

the secrets tucked behind locked doors.

Each discovery another wound.

Each wound another reminder

that I was never enough.

Not the first choice.

Not the cherished one.

Just a stand in.

A puppet dancing on worn strings.

A tool picked up when needed,

set aside when not.

So tell me... 

is this what love is supposed to be?

Or have I been mourning its absence all along?