On the Outside, Looking In

Why am I always on the outside looking in?

Why do I always feel like everyone else belongs somewhere... while I'm standing at the edge, watching through the window?

Like they don't think of me when they make plans. Like my name never crosses their minds. Like I was forgotten before I was ever included.

Why does it always feel like everyone else carries some invisible magnet that draws people in?

What is it that they have... that I don't?

I've grown used to being alone.

Not because I wanted to be. Because loneliness became familiar.

Social situations have never felt easy. I've been burned too many times to walk into them without expecting the fire.

So I find comfort somewhere else.

In my own company.... Listening to music in my own bubble... 

In my animals...

They don't pretend. They don't play games. They don't make you question where you stand.

They simply love you for who you are.

Their hearts are honest. Their loyalty is quiet. And the only time they truly break us... is when it's time to say goodbye.

When does this feeling end?

The loneliness that follows you into crowded rooms.

The strange ache of being surrounded by people... yet feeling unseen. Feeling.... Different... 

Feeling like no one really understands you. Like no one truly sees the parts of you that matter.

I've become familiar with not being chosen.

With being the invisible girl.

Like Mia before anyone noticed her in The Princess Diaries... I always relate to her. I always say "That's me". 

I've spent more time feeling like the ugly duckling than the swan.

And even if I've learned to carry it...

It still stings.

It still hurts.

Every time I'm overlooked. Every time I'm forgotten. Every time someone else is chosen instead.

But here's what I've learned.

I choose myself.

Again and again.

I refuse to measure my worth by someone else's invitation.

I love myself, even on the days when the world forgets to.

Because they don't know my heart.

They don't know the battles I've survived. They don't know the kindness I carry. They don't know the love I pour into the lives that truly matter.

So maybe I've spent my life on the outside looking in.

But maybe...

Maybe I've been standing outside the wrong door all along...

- Merry -