Reflections of the Past

When you have spent all of your life feeling you have to be less to be accepted...

When you have... Instead of Speaking with others, you expressed yourself in writing instead.

Cause along the way, SOMEONE taught me to be silent.
Someone took my voice...
And maybe... Something.

What I read in all of my files is...
I did not trust...
I did not seek others in my classes...
Even when the teachers observed the other students being friendly with me.
Teachers felt I needed practice at being social More.
They wanted me to participate vocally...
I kept to myself...
I observed...
But I expressed myself very well in writing...

What I have felt all my life, was ashamed of who I were.
Ashamed of being too much...
Of writing too Long messages....
Of talking too much in social gatherings...
Of showing people my weird quirks...
How I am...
Who I am...

Yes, I feel deeply...
I see everything...
I have a soul of a romantic poet...
I have depth that probably scare others.

So when I feel something, I really do feel it...
Very deeply...
Yes, I might be a little intense...
Sure.
But when I love, trust me, No one else have touched with the same kind of love...
When I am happy, I see fireworks, rainbows, glitters and More.
When Im Sad... The world falls apart.


Imagine...
When someone you thought were a friend...
Also hate these parts of you that you have felt so ashamed of all your life...
Reading my old Diaries....
Hearing all of my overthinking....
My fears...
My struggles...
Me never ever feeling good enough
Not Even once... 


Every single time someone talked to me...
I would overthink their intentions...
Their motives...
Why were they talking to me?
Why were they kind?
Why be kind today, when yesterday was a different story?
That was the story of my life.

And still is... 

I experienced someone, even the biggest bully, beat me up at school every day...
And treating me Nice suddenly at home...until I found his true motives for kindness.
He wanted to experiment sex with me.
Trapped me... Held me.... Threatened me... Gave me Red spirit to drink... Undressed me before he would threaten me so that I would pee myself... Cause he wanted to watch that. And also threatened to have me naked on his bed, with a watch show from his window...

But every time he was kind, I believed it. I was stupid enough, naive enough, to think the best of people. To think good about them.
Apparantly maybe I never learned from that.
I never learned to listen to my instincts.
Maybe I just always hoped the next one would be good and real....

And also...
What all my teachers never saw...
Never knew...
The biggest change i see in the Reports..
Being good at gym... Until one year..
Me "forgetting" gym clothes...
Me not having gym as often as before.
Me having issues with showering with the others...
When also I struggled More in different classes.
Was it all connected?

Me telling my theraphist I had a secret...
A big one.
But never did I say what it was.
Never did I mention being sexually abused...

By a man I trusted... 

Never did I also mentioned a teacher at school that tried to touch me inside a storage room.
I kept it all to myself.

For years I did...
For years I stayed quiet...
Just observing.
Just... Being stuck...
While on my inside...
I was a complete mess.
Holding many lifetimes of feelings, of unprocessed memories, of sorrow... Grief...trauma...

From all that I know...
It is some kind of a miracle that I still manage to smile today...
That I still manage to joke.
That small glimpses of who I am still manage to come out.
I talk More now, than I did then...
Because people came and believed in me...
Helped me through...
Gave me light.
Gave me hope.
Inspiration.
Gave me joy.
Faith.
Kindness...



But now...

Now I am left once again,
Questioning it all...
Asking myself if I was just naive again...
Stupid...
If any of it was real....
Or just a big fuckin fantasy...