Thoughts about music

Let me drift away on the sound of music...

Let it fill every empty space within me, comfort me, and bring me peace. ❤️

Let it carry me somewhere gentler, somewhere brighter...
One note at a time.

Let it heal my soul,
soothe my wounds,
and hold me in a way I've never been held before.

Let it touch the deepest parts of me,
the places words could never reach.

Give me an escape, 
a world where I can simply be myself,
and be accepted exactly as I am.

Let me cry when I need to,
and then gently wipe away my tears.

Fill my heart with joy,
with happiness,
with strength,
with hope,
with motivation, 

With energy.

Make me feel safe.

Loved.

Cherished.

That is what music feels like to me, and what it does.. 

Just me and my music, 
and in those moments,
everything else fades away.

- Merry - 

The Shadow of Love

Is this what love becomes, 

a bargain struck in the dark?

A touch exchanged for a touch,

a body measured only by what it can still provide.

I stand here,

bones heavy with pain,

each step a quiet battle,

while your hunger speaks louder

than my suffering ever could.

I can barely walk.

Yet still you reach,

not for my hand,

not for my heart,

but for what remains of me

that can still be taken.

Do you know what loneliness is?

It is lying beside someone

and feeling abandoned.

It is speaking

and hearing only silence.

It is watching your tears

disappear into a room

that never answers back.

The shadow of loneliness

has become my closest companion.

It follows me through every doorway,

sleeps beside me every night,

whispers that this is what love is... 

a cold place,

a dark hole I stumbled into by accident,

falling deeper with every passing year.

And still I find them, 

the hidden closets,

the buried dust,

the secrets tucked behind locked doors.

Each discovery another wound.

Each wound another reminder

that I was never enough.

Not the first choice.

Not the cherished one.

Just a stand in.

A puppet dancing on worn strings.

A tool picked up when needed,

set aside when not.

So tell me... 

is this what love is supposed to be?

Or have I been mourning its absence all along?

Lotus

From waters dark and heavy with the past,

Where pain took root and shadows seemed to last,

A silent seed reached upward through the night,

Drawn not by fear, but by a distant light.

The mud beneath did not define its name,

Nor steal its softness, nor extinguish its flame.

Each scar became a lesson, not a chain,

Each tear a river nourishing the rain.

It rose through depths that sought to pull it down,

Yet surfaced still, untouched within its crown.

Not because the storm was small or kind,

But because its strength was anchored deep inside.

And there it blooms for all the world to see. 

A symbol of what wounded hearts can be.

For beauty is not born where life is pure. 

It blooms where souls have learned to still endure.

"From dark mud, I rise.

Not untouched, but unbroken."

- Merry - 

Roll the dice

This was not the life you pictured for yourself... 

But the dice are rolled..... And you just... Roll with it...

What else can you do? 

What do you believe happen to a paper if you step on it, folds it, crush it, tear it apart? Do you still believe you can straighten it out to a fine sheet of paper after? 

No, you cant. 

The paper will never be the same. 

Same goes with human...

Will it ever end? 

Or do one have to make the change... 

Weight journey

There is something I have been ashamed to talk about for a long time... 

Some people know I’ve been going to the hospital for check ups related to my weight. I started this journey in February 2023 after seeing a number on the scale that shocked me. I had never weighed that much before, and it broke something in me emotionally. And, well... I thought about my future, and my kids future... That I still wish to be here for them in many years to come. So I had no choice but to kick my own ass out of this. 

People who have never struggled with weight may not understand how deeply it affects you. The shame. The comments. Feeling uncomfortable in your own body. Feeling judged just for existing. Those things stay with you for years.

Back in 2010, I lost 20 kg on my own and was incredibly proud of myself. For the first time in my life, I could wear size 38 jeans. But even then, despite what others saw, I still saw a fat girl when I looked at myself. That mindset never truly left me. Sadly with pregnancy, weight got up again. 

So when I started again in 2023, I truly believed I could do it alone. And in the beginning, I did well. What helped me then was a wave of positivity coming to my life, motivation and faith in myself.

 For the first time in a long time, life did not feel quite as heavy, and that gave me strength to keep going. I lost 15 kg within a few months.

But life became heavy again, and slowly some of the weight came back. I felt like I had failed. I was exhausted from always trying to be strong. To always meet people's expectations. 

Now it’s May 2026, and after years of follow-ups, tests, and trying everything I could, my weight completely stalled. The doctors asked me again if I wanted to try medication, and they recommended it. I had always said no, because to me it felt like cheating. But eventually I said yes.

Honestly, I felt ashamed. I Feel ashamed. Which is why I haven't even shared it with my family. 

But today something happened that made me realize maybe this is helping, after a bit more than one month on this medicine. 

We were at McDonald’s, and for the first time in... I don't know how long, I could not finish my meal. I actually stopped halfway through because I felt full.

And weirdly enough… even though part of me felt guilty for not finishing my food, another part of me felt hopeful.

So this is me opening up about it. Maybe someday I won’t feel so ashamed anymore. I can hope...and no matter what, I will go forward without thinking about what others think or say. I am done with caring about that. After all, what I do is for myself and for myself alone ♥️ 

Keep shining, Keep smiling ❤️ 

- Merry -

One step at a time

You know those people where sunshine, daisies, and rainbows just seem to flow out of them?

The ones who always smile, at least in the comments. The ones who constantly spread kindness, color, and light, as if negativity doesn’t even exist in their vocabulary.

And I love them for it.

But at the same time… I’ve lived on both sides. I’ve felt both sides.

So even if people who know me say I’m one of those people too, someone who spreads light, maybe they’re right. I do try to be. I want to be kind. I want to give love.

But we also need darkness to truly understand the light. To appreciate it.

And while some people post encouraging and positive words every single day, until it all starts sounding like background noise, the same as everyone else…

…my survival mode has always been laughter, sarcasm, dark humor… humor in general. Whatever helps me make it through the day. Cause I have been in hell many times. 

And... I think it is okay to acknowledge both sides... Cause no one is ONLY fine all the time. 

I don’t hate or criticize the people who carry glitter, sunshine, rainbows, and light every hour of every day, even when it becomes too much for me sometimes.

That’s their way of coping. Their way of surviving. Their mask.

And mine is laughter, love, sarcasm, dark humor, other humor and taking life one step at a time. One fight at a time.

Just some words today that I felt like getting out there... 

Have a beautiful day ❤️ 

- Merry - 

Come home

Jeg undres hvor du vandrer nå,

min lille myke hvite bomullsdott.

Blikket mitt leter uten ro,

etter et glimt av hvitt mot grått.

Jeg roper navnet ditt mot sundet,

lar stemmen bære over vann, over fjell.

Ekkoet svarer tomt tilbake, 

ingen poter løper fram.

Hvor er du nå, min kjære venn?

Er du trygg et ukjent sted?

Eller ligger du alene, stille,

og venter på at jeg skal se?

Kanskje har du reist forbi oss,

helt til månen, stjerners land,

dit hvor ingen hender rekker,

dit hvor jeg ei følge kan.

Men hjertet mitt står fortsatt åpent,

hver natt, hver gry, hver skumringshavn.

Så finn tilbake, om du kan,

min kjære venn, 

kom hjem.

I wonder where you are tonight,

my little ball of cotton white.

My eyes keep searching, endlessly,

for one small flicker I might see.

I call your name across the sound,

my voice rings out for miles around.

But only silence answers me, 

no gentle steps come running free.

Where are you now, my dearest one?

Are you safe beneath some distant sun?

Or do you lie somewhere alone,

still waiting to be carried home?

Perhaps you wandered past our skies,

to where the moon and starlight rise,

to places far beyond my reach,

where love can only call, not teach.

Yet still my door remains unlocked,

through every dusk and every dark.

So if you can, come home once more,

my precious heart,

come through the door.